Your belief in your “self” determines a great deal about how you interact in relationship with others, particularly significant others.
The belief system through which you define yourself is called your “ego” and we all have one.
The belief system through which you define yourself is called your “ego” and we all have one.
In fact, that’s exactly what YOU are, merely a system or package of beliefs (beliefs are merely thoughts that you allow to be true).
Many of your beliefs are subconscious and although you believe strongly in certain ideas or values, you don’t go around town everyday loudly proclaiming “I believe this.. or “I believe that..”
Many of your beliefs are subconscious and although you believe strongly in certain ideas or values, you don’t go around town everyday loudly proclaiming “I believe this.. or “I believe that..”
Actually your actions tend to reveal what you believe subconsciously. The important point is that beliefs are simply thoughts that you give power through injecting them with belief.
We use this objective psychological term “ego” to define the composite package of thoughts that you BELIEVE defines you and that you adhere to and exhibit in your daily living. The basic beliefs about yourself were formed primarily in childhood, however, through many years of experiencing your 'self,' others and the world, you have refined and tailored your ego to certain specifications (some rational, some absurd).
Essentially, through various levels of social conditioning and free-will, you formulated an 'ego' (“package of beliefs”) and basically assert, through the choices you make (often quite unconsciously) “This is me and I am!”
Therefore, every 'person' is actually a bodily contained package of beliefs or, as Freud referred to it, we are all “skin encapsulated egos.”
In fact, it is through your ego that you have determined your choice in a specific spouse or partner. In addition, your ego has determined what you expect from that spouse or partner relative to your beliefs about a “committed relationship.” We choose life partners based on “ego agreements.”
Your ego and your partner’s ego have concurred on the basic rules and limits of the relationship and how it is to be conducted. I say “basic” because, “the devil is always in the details.”
Most likely, when the honeymoon ended, and the infatuation psychosis" began to fade (which we often mistake for love) “real life” then tends to accentuate the things that you may not have agreed on, or even paid any attention to, but maybe now wish you had.
The reason I am addressing you objectively as an ego is so that you can begin to examine your own belief system about yourself and your relationships and, most importantly, your expectations of yourself and those you closely engage with. IF you believe that, in order to show devotion to you and to the relationship, your partner MUST conform to your beliefs about your NEEDS and your partner disagrees, your “ego” will experience fear in the form of resentment.
The ego tends to believe that fear in any form is a clear indication that you must have been attacked at some point in time and it will often ignore whether or not you were actually attacked in making this determination.
The ego negates the statement "seeing is believing" and instead sees what it believes.
Therefore when you believe you are attacked you will naturally see it and counter attack. (what actually happened is often not important). If you are attacking a 'loved' one for failing to meet your needs then it is important that you are clear on two chief issues. Do you really need what you believe you need and what level of priority have you determined that the need must be met.
Close examination of your belief system is important because you may come to realize that this "need" that you have always upheld as crucial is, in fact, unnecessary to your "happiness." Or you may come to find that a “need” or expectation that once held top priority may be less important at this point in your life. Therefore, you may experience less ego conflict in your relationship simply through an honest assessment of your beliefs about what you need in a relationship.In this evaluation you discard beliefs that are no longer needed (since egos change over time).
I recommend this ego evaluation simply because over the years we tend to become dependent on beliefs to define us, depending on how long we have been attached to certain ways of thinking. And since we often go through life essentially on "auto pilot" it is important to recognize that conflicts in your relationships may be significantly reduced simply through your own honest evaluation of your own ego. However, many often ignore this evaluation and choose to evaluate and judge everyone else's ego which makes no sense at all since you can only evaluate your own EXPERIENCES.
The important point is that if someone you claim to care for is not conforming to your beliefs about your "happiness," you may conclude that he or she does not care when in fact they may simply feel that your definition of happiness is irrational or even skewed. If you rigidly adhere to what you believe, simply because it’s what you’ve always believed, then you will fail to notice flaws in your belief system or ego and, in fact, become victim to your own egocentric self-concept.
Ego attacks can be very vicious and result in "ego wars" that feel like a virtual hell. Individuals locked in long drawn out ego wars (and make no mistake all relationship battles are between egos) will eventually seek to WIN. This is because in the heat of battle both feel it imperative to close in their ranks and faithfully defend their belief system with no thought to whether a particular belief should even be defended. This is what defines ego wars and some often report that they cannot remember why they were actually fighting or that they realized that the battle was over petty issues. But make no mistake, when the ego is being defended, every battle is crucial. Defending the ego often demands that we ignore why we're fighting.
So how does one escape an "ego war." Go inside and evaluate your ego and stop using blame to distract from your own discordant and unidentified belief system. Seek and find that which may serve only to aggrandize your ego and identify beliefs that serve to heal and accentuate the love between people who have come together for that purpose and that purpose only.
Simply let go of their ego and deeply explore your own.
We use this objective psychological term “ego” to define the composite package of thoughts that you BELIEVE defines you and that you adhere to and exhibit in your daily living. The basic beliefs about yourself were formed primarily in childhood, however, through many years of experiencing your 'self,' others and the world, you have refined and tailored your ego to certain specifications (some rational, some absurd).
Essentially, through various levels of social conditioning and free-will, you formulated an 'ego' (“package of beliefs”) and basically assert, through the choices you make (often quite unconsciously) “This is me and I am!”
Therefore, every 'person' is actually a bodily contained package of beliefs or, as Freud referred to it, we are all “skin encapsulated egos.”
In fact, it is through your ego that you have determined your choice in a specific spouse or partner. In addition, your ego has determined what you expect from that spouse or partner relative to your beliefs about a “committed relationship.” We choose life partners based on “ego agreements.”
Your ego and your partner’s ego have concurred on the basic rules and limits of the relationship and how it is to be conducted. I say “basic” because, “the devil is always in the details.”
Most likely, when the honeymoon ended, and the infatuation psychosis" began to fade (which we often mistake for love) “real life” then tends to accentuate the things that you may not have agreed on, or even paid any attention to, but maybe now wish you had.
The reason I am addressing you objectively as an ego is so that you can begin to examine your own belief system about yourself and your relationships and, most importantly, your expectations of yourself and those you closely engage with. IF you believe that, in order to show devotion to you and to the relationship, your partner MUST conform to your beliefs about your NEEDS and your partner disagrees, your “ego” will experience fear in the form of resentment.
The ego tends to believe that fear in any form is a clear indication that you must have been attacked at some point in time and it will often ignore whether or not you were actually attacked in making this determination.
The ego negates the statement "seeing is believing" and instead sees what it believes.
Therefore when you believe you are attacked you will naturally see it and counter attack. (what actually happened is often not important). If you are attacking a 'loved' one for failing to meet your needs then it is important that you are clear on two chief issues. Do you really need what you believe you need and what level of priority have you determined that the need must be met.
Close examination of your belief system is important because you may come to realize that this "need" that you have always upheld as crucial is, in fact, unnecessary to your "happiness." Or you may come to find that a “need” or expectation that once held top priority may be less important at this point in your life. Therefore, you may experience less ego conflict in your relationship simply through an honest assessment of your beliefs about what you need in a relationship.In this evaluation you discard beliefs that are no longer needed (since egos change over time).
I recommend this ego evaluation simply because over the years we tend to become dependent on beliefs to define us, depending on how long we have been attached to certain ways of thinking. And since we often go through life essentially on "auto pilot" it is important to recognize that conflicts in your relationships may be significantly reduced simply through your own honest evaluation of your own ego. However, many often ignore this evaluation and choose to evaluate and judge everyone else's ego which makes no sense at all since you can only evaluate your own EXPERIENCES.
The important point is that if someone you claim to care for is not conforming to your beliefs about your "happiness," you may conclude that he or she does not care when in fact they may simply feel that your definition of happiness is irrational or even skewed. If you rigidly adhere to what you believe, simply because it’s what you’ve always believed, then you will fail to notice flaws in your belief system or ego and, in fact, become victim to your own egocentric self-concept.
Ego attacks can be very vicious and result in "ego wars" that feel like a virtual hell. Individuals locked in long drawn out ego wars (and make no mistake all relationship battles are between egos) will eventually seek to WIN. This is because in the heat of battle both feel it imperative to close in their ranks and faithfully defend their belief system with no thought to whether a particular belief should even be defended. This is what defines ego wars and some often report that they cannot remember why they were actually fighting or that they realized that the battle was over petty issues. But make no mistake, when the ego is being defended, every battle is crucial. Defending the ego often demands that we ignore why we're fighting.
So how does one escape an "ego war." Go inside and evaluate your ego and stop using blame to distract from your own discordant and unidentified belief system. Seek and find that which may serve only to aggrandize your ego and identify beliefs that serve to heal and accentuate the love between people who have come together for that purpose and that purpose only.
Simply let go of their ego and deeply explore your own.
Artwork by Jaroslaw Kukowski - "Praying mantis"
