Friday, December 10, 2010

Kid Guru

Ahhhh....are you experiencing a deep sense of self-contentment in your spiritual practices? Do you consider yourself consciously evolved? Do you swoon at the feet of your beloved master? Are you forever drawn to your guru’s words of wisdom in a never-ending need to absorb his every divine word? Do you idolize the immortals? Do your meditation practices take you to magical worlds of "pure consciousness"? Do you believe you’ve experienced the absolute oneness of non-duality, the direct experience of Buddha No-Mind, the Unconditional Infinite of Christ Consciousness?

Well, you might as well forget about all that, because until you meet KID GURU, all your spiritual hocus pocus is nothing but cheap baloney between two pieces of stale Wonder bread. Until you meet Kid Guru, you’ll continue to think your progressing to advanced stages of enlightenment….

...Ha! What a maroon!

Make no mistake, Kid Guru will show you how your only marking time, spinning rhymes of conceptual drivel that you idolize as “truth,” but that he laughs at.  You will be literally shocked at how Kid Guru will immediately demonstrate that your as enlightened as a baloney sandwich (in fact, the baloney sandwich is light years ahead of you). I'll bet you actually think you're parenting them...LOL! Now that's fookin' funny!

If you haven’t yet met Kid Guru, then I suggest you do so. I dare you to discover a more competent teacher for showing you the shit you don’t WANT to see.

Kid Guru will help you burn through layers and layers of even the most ridiculously reinforced egocentric bullshit. Go ahead, try to fool The Kid with your righteous platitudes, your "life-experiences," your silly vacuous value system, your asinine life goals and your petty meanings. You’ll be burned like toast, because nobody knows you like the Kid. You can hide all up in your egocentricity with the "beloved master," safe and sound. But the Kid will rapidly flush out ALL your fears for you to SEE... in vivid technicolor.

I'll bet you thought you were "done" with that...Ha! Nope...not quite yet...

Have you experienced “non-duality”? Well, the Kid will show you what your little head trip is really all about and psychologically slice you to ribbons with the greatest Koan of all time...

“yeah right... you’re an asshole!” 

Hmmm... now what Mr. Enlightened Non-duality? Are you gonna dazzle ‘em with your “No-Mind” persuasions, while he/she looks at you like you got two heads and both are plumb stupid?

Or are you gonna send him to his room?

Yep, works all the time, right? Now you can meditate in peace, God dammit!

I wonder…did anyone ever roll their eyes at Osho? Did Nisargadatta ever change fouled diapers? Did Ramakrishna ever get obnoxious back talk? Did Maharshi ever have to negotiate stubborn teenage defiance? Was Ken Wilber ever told to “shutup, asshole”?

Amatuers...all amateurs...

The “real” world awaits you and Kid Guru will bring it on home in all its existential majesty. So go ahead…go off and learn from the devout and venerable “master.” But make no mistake, when you’re finally done all that, the teacher awaits you and no amount of preparation can prepare you for what you will learn. 

But you will advance…

...light years.

Artwork by Heather Nevay - "The Visit"


  1. Sometimes, I think our children are like a mirror looking within a mirror. You know that long corridor of endless mirrors when you face a mirror to another mirror. So, our children take what is reflected and take it one step further, because they see what one's self cannot, I suppose.

    But do we really even know anybody beyond the roles of where we place each of them? My Great Aunt Ruth is 99 years old. She recently told my uncle Tucker a story about sleigh rides through the fields after the country church days of her girlhood. The scent of the horses and blankets. The joy of the two mile stretch. We don't know anybody. Not even their sleigh rides through the fields back in the day before all the things we take for granted. She never married because of a broken heart in her early 20's. That's a long time to savor a wound. Her sister, Esther, died of scarlet fever close to that time and Esther's fiance was so grief stricken, he never courted another and died an old grey bachelor. That's a long time to grieve. We don't know anybody.

    So, maybe that is the teaching of our children, if we listen. But the communication is a two way street, otherwise it becomes only a reflection of an opinion and we find we don't even know our own point of view, because all it is the reflection of a reaction and not knowing anyone at all.

    I think Ken Wilber is a freak.

    Peace :)

  2. "We don't know anybody."

    Yes...we really don't know anyone...