Sunday, January 30, 2011

An Infinite Player Doesn’t Give A Shit About That

An infinite player just doesn’t give a shit about that.

However, an infinite player would never claim NOT to give a shit about that, BECAUSE he/she is an infinite player and that would be a dead giveaway that they are NOT playing infinitely.

It’s NOT that Infinite Players don’t “care.” They care about alot. Just not the way you or I “care.” The way an Infinite Player “cares,” would often seem to you or I, as if they just didn’t give a shit. But that would be based on our “Rules of Care and Concern,” and rule number one of our game demands it be displayed in certain specific ways and in particular fashion.

Take death for example. We tend to fearfully boohoo and bawl about it. Yet, in observing those I have suspected to be Infinite Players, this is just NOT the case. Oh sure, they shed tears like anyone else, but the Infinite Player always seems to be coming from another ‘place,’ with regard to their interactions with the world. Like some kind of deeper meaning that, actually when displayed, seems to mean very little (at least to you or I).

At a funeral many years ago, I recall observing a woman I suspected of playing Infinitely. I could be mistaken in my assessment, but it seemed that, although there were tears, a faint smile (barely detectable) seemed to be underneath the sorrow. So, I ask you....wassupwidat? What could one have to smile about with regard to death? Could it be that Infinite Players actually have NO FEAR of death? Of course, that would explain alot in terms of their NOT seeming to give a shit about so many things or, at least, there not seeming to give a shit the way we give a shit.

So what is it, you might ask, that an Infinite Player gives a shit about. Well, that’s hard to say, since I only consider myself an observer of the Infinite Player and in no way an actual Infinite Player (of course, if I did, then that would only indicate that I was NOT). I am only privy to the external conduct and not the underlying motives. I remember speaking to one I suspected of playing infinitely. I inquired into the general attitude and life outlook that fascinated me, yet seemed entirely strange, almost otherworldly. Alas, the response was merely a “Dude, (laughter) what the fuck are you talking about??”

It seems the Infinite Player has absolutely no interest in defining him/herself, nor in being defined by others. They appear to have NO “normalized” persona that can be pegged with any degree or precision or accuracy and they fit NO categories of thought. Obviously, this makes my self-appointed job of distilling the chief ingredients, and determining the common denominators, that much more difficult, since they defy any psychological explanation.

How can one seek to emulate that which defies explanation? How can we learn to play Infinitely, if we do not know how and the Infinite Player has no capacity, based on an Infinite Perspective, to define the qualities?

Thus, I can only hypothesize, which is exactly what I do here and now. Yet, there are certain traits that I have been able to definitively observe. Infinite Players have the distinct ability to play with anyone and within any system of rules. Yet, although they do play games within specific systems of rules, they seem not to take the rules very seriously. It’s as if they are not in any way restricted or bound by the rules. This tends to display a Lightness of Being that is not available to finite players, who tend to play with much serious intent toward achieving outcomes and winning ego-games. Infinite Players certainly display a sense of ‘self’ but seem NOT to be egocentrically oriented to that ‘self.’

I am currently studying one now and will keep you apprised of my observations and any hypotheses as to the motivations. But keep in mind, as opposed to finite players, the Infinite Player is very elusive and hard to pin down.

It's as if they live in some sort of paradoxical infinite fluidity…

Addendum: Infinite Play on Judgment Day

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

"Mix n' Match Spirituality"

You have such a hankerin' to find that special "framework" for which to see your 'self' and the world through. Some foundational filter for which to have it all make friggin' sense. And the post-modern spiritual magicians are happy to provide you their voodoo (for a fee, of course).

Whether it's Taoism, Christianity, Non-dualism, Integral Theory, Law of Attraction, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, you need a filter for which to construct meaning in your life. And all these post-modern spiritual programs promise some wonderful, death-defying outcome or reward. You believe if you could only find the right "path," and stay on it, you can discover your elusive "happiness."

But the ego-self has NO intention of ever finding anything. Realize that "seek, but do not find" (quote from someone famous) has always been your motto. You'll never find what your looking for, simply because that would end the looking...and then what would you do? Be "happy"?

Hahaa! I pity the fool...

So stop taking your silly programs and paths so damn seriously, while there's still time to enjoy your life. Because the only real path you're on is the one that has death as destination. So eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you friggin' croak fool! Ha! (and if you look closely you'll discern that every path is merely a means of evading or distracting from the THOUGHT of death).

So go ahead, play the games...but recognize they make NO difference to the only real path your on. Don't take any of this shit serious. However, since your an ego-self, you'll never be framework-free, so go ahead and adopt a new framework everyday. Today, I thought I'd be a Christian-Nondual-Taoist-Sociopath (yes, sociopathy is also a framework).

Tomorrow...hell, who knows! Maybe a Hedonistic Buddhist...

....hey! I like that one!

So go ahead, mix and match. Play around with 'em. Make up fun new rules for the whole family. Bring on more players!

Fookin' have fun, YO!

Just don't consider for a moment that it means a god-damn thing...

Artwork by Naoto Hattori - "Large Sticker Sheet"

Friday, January 21, 2011

An Invitation To Truth

M: This is driving me crazy. I’ve no idea what will happen next.

J: Insane expectations, by their very nature, demand insane experiences, which are worthless and of NO value. "What will happen next,” is also based on your expectations, unless you decide to invite TRUTH.

Until then, you will always get what you expect.

M: I didn’t expect any of this. This took me completely by surprise.

J: It must have been expected; else it could NOT have been experienced. You have yet to truly experience “surprise.” However, when you do, it will mean that you have discarded your expectations, thereby, declaring an end to CONTROL and extending an invitation to TRUTH.

Not one experience you have ever encountered has been free of YOUR expectations, based on the chronic preparation that comes from your incessant need to predict YOUR future. Hence, not one experience you have ever encountered is TRUE. Truth, by its very nature, does NOT conform to expectation. Contrary to all the many ways your “world” seeks to prepare you to expect it, TRUTH cannot be prepared for, which means YOU need do nothing.

M: The truth of this situation is that my marriage is ending.

J: Delusion has NO beginning and what has no beginning can have no “ending.”

Love contained and limited by delusional boundaries, may have value in a delusional world, but how can a delusional “world” be TRUE? And can your "love" then be true if nothing else is? What does NOT invite Truth has NO value and serves no purpose in “time.”

Delusion, by its very nature, is not REAL. But there is still time to realize this, since the delusion of time exists until TRUTH is invited. Although you deny this as fact, such is the purpose YOU have given to “time.” It has no other reason to exist, but to make its existence obsolete. You made it REAL for this purpose alone. God does NOT know “time.”

M: Unfortunately, there is no time left.

J: How can one who knows NOT what time is for, accurately evaluate how much is “left”? You have yet to use time for its intended purpose. To do so will obviously result in time diminishing as eternity enters to take its place. Time must naturally collapse upon itself, when eternity unfolds in awareness. There will come a “time” when eternity is ALL you realize and time will be no more. The idea that “time waits for no man” is an obvious fallacy. For, indeed, time waits for YOU, because time is a construct of a mind encumbered by limitations that result in finite delusions. You are infinite ,as am I, and I assure you my brother, although your delusions make you feel hopelessly alone, we are in this TOGETHER. I will guide you to the others that wait for you.

However, this means that time is at your disposal, since you demand it, and only you will eventually dispose of it completely.

Dispose of your purpose for this relationship and every relationship and you are, thereby, using time for its intended purpose. Without the meanings you apply to your world, through which time is experienced, time can no longer contain you because you have no reference point from which it can be encountered. Without your meanings, “time” simply cannot be experienced.  Let go of every meaning you have for every relationship you experience and use time to your advantage.

M: I’m pretty well forced to let go of my meaning for this marriage. I have no choice in that and I suppose that’s the problem.

J: You feel betrayed because your meaning is rejected. Yet, although it was reliable, and you remained loyal to it for many years, you still must determine if it was valid. To rely on that which is invalid is insane and this is why you currently feel that what you experience is “driving me crazy.” As long as you remain fixated on your expectations, or invalid meanings, your expectations will determine your state of mind and that will always reflect insanity. Free-will allows you a “choice” in this. You always have a choice.

M: If she wants out, then I have NO choice in that.

J:  You chose it. This may not seem valid to you at present, because you are so incredibly short-sighted, but make no mistake, all that you experience has been chosen by YOU. If you could see as I see, you would know that your delusional “life “is but a brief insignificant moment in time, simply because time does not exist.

Therefore, what seems to be a series of choices, has always been the same choice. The choice to deny TRUTH. A choice that seems to be made over and over again, but was really only made ONCE. Now, all that is required is that you choose differently.

M: But how does this pertain to my situation?

J: This “situation" only requires Truth. Invite TRUTH to come and suffer no more from what “time” seems to bring.

M: But how do I invite truth?

J: Fully understand that you have NO idea what IT is. No more than this is necessary to finally understand IT and apply that understanding to every “situation” you experience.

When you think you “know,” you then feel obligated to apply this meaning to the meaningless, always ignorant of the fact that this is what made it meaningless in the first place. 

Be still and allow me to show you what it means, because “I am the way and the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the father except through me.” 

Extracted from

Friday, January 14, 2011

Measuring Hell by Your Distance From the Weekend

Funny how so many people have an almost unconscious tendency to maintain a level of happiness directly contingent on the distance to, or from, the weekend.

In other words, there are people whose level of happiness is directly related to the days of the week and the closer they come to the blessed “weekend,” the greater the increase in their level of "happiness" (with an associated gradual descent into hell come Sunday evening). Thereby, associating Monday morning as the deepest descent into hell with each respective day signifying a gradual ascent up from that "burning pit," only to plunge back down again.

This is just another example of the ego-self’s victimization to TIME and how the experiential delusion of time is employed in order to construct concrete ‘experiences’ for which to self-actualize your abstract egocentricity as individually REAL in a finite world.  Time is the ultimate means of ego actualization, because without time “you” would have NO starting point from which to reference a unique past that you meticulously employ to define your ‘self.’ This is why you could never just BE and all your attempts at just “Being” are doomed to failure from the start, because every ego-self knows itself through its personal starting point (birth).

BEING is infinite, while you have a finite staring point which can only mean a finite ending and ALL your thoughts conform accordingly. Hence, to be free of time would require you simply NOT EXIST and have NO such point of origination (and what ego would sacrifice that?). But can you THINK infinitely? Can you BE without a starting point and, thus, live as if infinite? Or must you always reference past coordinates in order to have a sense of your finite ‘self’? I believe many have tried but, alas, ALL have ended up failing.

To play infinitely in a world of finite coordinates, ultimately means to be unconcerned with “existence” whatsoever. Yet, TIME allows for coordinates for which to measure, and thus know, that you exist. You started from birth and will end in death and, in between, are millions of “meaningful” guideposts for which the ego measures existence or it’s own egocentric self-actualization. Self-actualization is just a fancy word for your consistently seeking and finding proof that you are who you BELIEVE you are. Of course, the proof you locate is always reliable, but most likely invalid.

Yet the ego-self doesn’t give a rats ass for validity or truth, only that its measurements remain consistently reliable and thus, relied on consistently. Yet, if it is all delusional then, obviously, it’s invalid. Nevertheless, you rely on it because your “life” depends on that reliance. Make no mistake, every ounce of proof you find…you put there to be found, else you would never have located it in the first place. The constructs of your existence are your own and you experience exactly what you ask for.

Therefore, what you will one day understand is that “hell” is always of your making, because ‘where’ you seek to locate your ‘self’ has always been your decision. Yet, the problem is that you want hell more than anything and you are vigilant in your consistency in deciding for that all the time. Look at the decisions you make that continually thrust you into the Bowels of Deprivation (just another name for “hell”). Hell is a very comfortable place for those who live in a finite world, because at least you believe you’re REAL (and try hard to ignore the nagging doubt that you’re NOT).

What keeps the ego-self intact (and IN HELL) is that you do not believe you can think infinitely and so finite thoughts become all you “know” and finite experiences become all you encounter. Therefore, your “happiness”  is easily reserved for weekends and you find this a completely acceptable finite experience. If you seek rewards for the weekend, you must feel deprived during the week and “hell” is nothing more than an experience of being deprived of “happiness.”

This is a finite game because it embraces finite outcomes. For instance, how many actually wait for “happiness,” but only as a condition of “retirement” and thus, keep their minds a victim of oppression until the blessed day they no longer need be victim to socially constructed time constraints such as “employment”? Just one example of your daily, yearly and momentary descent to HELL.

The demand for freedom has always been pathetic, since an ego-self can never be free by the very nature of what IT IS. Yet, the infinite player can begin to alter that composition, by releasing him/herself from the deprivation inherent to time. This is the only purpose you have given to time and has nothing to do with all the other ego-games you play out on a daily basis.

So, isn’t it time, you employ time for its intended purpose?

Artwork by Todd Schorr- "The Hydra of Madison Avenue"

Sunday, January 9, 2011

The Fucked-Up Symptoms of Your Existential Separation Anxiety

Even though you struggle to keep it to yourself, you have often noted how fucked-up you are. And have you ever noticed how everyone you know turns out to be just as fucked-up, in one way or another, as "you"? Your wife/husband, mother, father, sister, brother, Aunt Ginnie, Uncle Sal, your dumb neighbor Harry, your coworker Jan, your boss Mr. Higgins, your son’s girlfriend and her mother and her mother's mother, society, the world, the cosmos, on and on, ad infinitum, everyone of ‘em…

…all royally fucked-up. 

In fact, just when you meet someone you think might have a handle on his/her “existence”…badabing…nope, fucked up too. Sorry for the crude and crass language here (which just demonstrates how fucked-up I AM) but let’s face it boys and girls, egocentric reality supports nothing more than this assessment easily applied on an ongoing basis.

You can run (which you do everyday, in a million different ways) but you can’t hide.

So why are you trying so hard NOT to be fucked up? Do you really think you can ever be anything BUT fucked-up? Are all your spiritual practices and attempts at purity merely a way to hide “you” from your own fucked-up symptoms? Has it ever really worked for any appreciable length of time? After 20 yrs of your rigidly performed spiritual endeavors, are you really any less fucked up than you were day one? When will you finally be cured?

Fucked-up is nothing more than a symptom of abandonment resulting in a lifelong feeling of “separation anxiety.” It is the universal sense of abandonment that we all experience, but fail to share, because we hide from it. In other words, the ego-self you insist on being “you,” can only sustain its “you-ness” by rigorously keeping itself apart from all the other egos trying to be “them.” It’s not that you were abandoned, it’s just that as an ego-self, you abandoned them and so, they appear to have abandoned YOU. Hahaa!

Separation anxiety is endemic to your very existence and as long as “you” believe you "exist," separation anxiety must be your underlying foundational experience. You have NO choice in this simply because YOU choose it, day after day after day…until eventually you achieve your ultimate goal of complete and total separation or…

..death (what other reason for it?).

Obviously, this leads to a whole spectrum of symptoms, which can be easily categorized as Existential Separation Anxiety. Of course, some people are REALLY fucked up, so much so that they need drugs to hide from their symptoms so they can function in a society where everybody’s fucked up and suffering from the same separation anxiety. Other people need to be locked up, because their fucked-up symptoms are so deadly that they only interfere in your continuing attempts at pretending to NOT be fucked-up. In the post-modern world, you can be fucked-up but only to a point. Beyond that, you need help to keep the world from abandoning you (which is nothing more than you abandoning it).

Ah…but not you! You’ve become expert at hiding your symptoms and don’t need drugs to keep it all under wraps (You meditate it away, LOL!). In fact, you've become so expert at hiding your symptoms that sometimes you actually think that you might NOT be fucked-up at all.

This is actually the worse kind of fucked-up you can be because, unfortunately for "you," those closest to you know that all your spiritual hocus pocus is bullshit. No matter how adept you become at hiding (and some are truly expert indeed), they actually know how fucked-up you really are and, at times, you literally hate them for it (and so, easily abandon them, thereby, further reinforcing your own symptoms). In fact, of all the people in the world, for which you present yourself as symptom free, it’s those who know you the most that you often FEAR the most, simply because they actually know what you really ARE….which is fucked-up.

Well…fuck them, right!?!?

However, there is a part of you that’s NOT fucked-up and that has never abandoned or separated from you. That part knows nothing of the world and the world’s rules of self-development and games of successful symptom relief. That part does not “perceive” and has no use for eyes that “see” (how fucked-up you are). 

This Deeper Spirit has no awareness of your egocentricity and, because of that, the ego ALWAYS feels rejected and abandoned. All your dogged attempts to achieve positive self-esteem and live a productive, "happy" lifestyle in a material world are essentially futile and destined to fail, simply because of this fact alone. The ego can never be anything more than individually fucked-up and feeling abandoned by a part of you that it senses is greater than IT (and, hence, NOT fucked up at all), but that it can never unite with in any way whatsoever. So you may feel your less fucked up than your dumb neighbor Harry, but you’re actually equally fucked up and abandoned.

Your egocentricity virtually assures it.

Contrary to popular belief, egocentric abandonment is a universal experience not exclusive to any particular personality with any specific traumatic life experience. Everybody experiences it on one level or another and experiences it ALL the time. The very nature of an ego-self is to experience the separation anxiety of abandonment. So go ahead and fully accept your deep-seated sense of abandonment and ALL those fucked-up symptoms. Embrace your fucked-up life and engage it fully. As long as you are egocentric, it can never be anything more than fucked-up. So play infinitely in your fucked-up-ness and change the rules form time to time in order to experience all the different modes and means of being fucked-up.

Have fun, Yo!

Separation anxiety can never be cured as long as egocentricity is what defines “you." But the irony of your very existence is that you are only egocentric, BECAUSE you define your “self” as separate and abandoned.

Unfortunately, most of you will read this fucked-up essay and quickly abandon me as being too fucked-up.

But that’s how this game is played…LOL!

Artwork by Karl Perrson - "Self-Portrait"

Monday, January 3, 2011

The Intimacy of Deep Spirit or Non-Dualistic Rapture

The first definition of intimacy according to (and American Heritage) is listed as "(1) a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.: an intimacy with Japan."

Notice how this concrete and concise definition is applied only to objective and empirical, places, subjects or time periods and NOT necessarily to relationships or people. The dictionary defines ‘intimacy' between people as the typical: "(2) a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group" and, of course, "(3) sexual intercourse." The problem with the second (2) definition, as applied to Deep Spirit relationships, is that to understand intimacy from that perspective one must first define the interior abstract concepts of "close," "familiar," and "loving." This then leaves us with the objective and exterior (3) "sexual intercourse" and we all know that one real well.

This is problematic since "sexual intercourse" is the typical, conventional means of attempting to realize intimacy and because of this we all tend to overly-sacralize, albeit unconsciously, "sexual intercourse" as exemplifying or epitomizing intimacy, whereas, it essentially distracts and dissociates from Deep Spirit intimacy or "deep understanding." As we all know, "sexual intercourse" does not require intimacy or "deep understanding" and can be engaged in at the drop of a hat, and nature attests to this.

You attain a deeper more spirit-based understanding of another as you feel safer to reveal, expose and share your interior experiences of one another to one another. Unfortunately, this often requires intense and excruciatingly painful conflict to precede the dissolving of barriers.
"I can imagine the moment... breaking out through the silence... all the things that we both might say... and the heart it will not be denied, 'Til we're both on the same damn side... all the barriers blown away" (Come Talk to Me, Peter Gabriel)
We slowly realize, through a deeper understanding, that our motives (deep-seated) were not related to present attack, but more related to a collection of past 'hurts.' Trust and safety is again realized simply through the revealing and intimate nature of fearless vulnerability. This indicates your desire to attain a "deeper understanding," which demands that your self-preserving righteousness be discarded.

It is a lack of trust in your relationships that grows over time as judgments are made from a lack of intimacy or deep understanding. If you have not connected to depth over a long period of time, the dialogue remains mired in the ‘everyday' and relating becomes shallow and useless. You then fail to correspond from Deep Spirit through sharing your ‘depths' and you become more distant and increasingly more ‘separate-together'.

Unfortunately, this pattern will eventually demonstrate that you can maintain this separate-togetherness for only so long before the stress of such a solitary experience or 'being-in-aloneness' presses against you and results in episodes of dissociative communication and chronic conflict. In those moments there is no closeness, certainly no "love," or even familiarity (as in definition 2) and this is simply because, over time, we have actually lost the deep understanding (definition 1 above) of one another that tends to displace and diminish conflict.


Over time we inadvertently exile one another to become strangers in a strange and absurd 'world.' This can be frightening or disconcerting, because the world has nothing we need and there is nothing IN the world that can help us reach our 'depths' or attain an intimacy with the 'self' through intimacy with others. Spiritual depth can only be accessed through each other, because "you" were not constructed in isolation from a world of others. Only intimacy through other selves will fully give you your "self" in vivid technicolor. The world can give you nothing, yet, it does seem apparent that the world can give us everything - TOGETHER. But only if the experience of ‘world' is shared deeply - TOGETHER. This does not require sexual intercourse or bodily involvement of any kind, however, it does not necessarily exclude that part from the whole.

Why continue to rely on patterns of conflict, unconscious or denied, to finally reach intimacy or a deeper understanding? Why is it necessary to bottom-out before you can see the need for recovery and healing? Why not maintain the trust and safety of intimacy through a consistent desire to know and to deeply understand one another? Why do you watch those you profess to love drift away, while failing to close the distance?

The problem is your reliance on the 'world.' The world, or reality in general, does not serve the purpose of intimacy or deeper understanding and like a vacuum it sucks up and absorbs our attention and demands we seek to comply with its values.

We have created a world to distract us from ourselves and our depths (and possibly this "creating" is as much a phenomenon of consciousness as it is a physical one). This idea is not new and many brighter minds than mine, have said as much. We expect the world to help us understand who we are, even though we remain incredulous over the degree of absurdity that we clearly see makes up our world.

Do we feel we have no choice but to subordinate the values of intimacy and deep understanding to the values of an empirical world? Is this what it means to be trapped IN the ego, when in fact the ego feels trapped IN the world? Or is it that intimacy or a deep understanding of others is so intense as to exhaust us and this makes adherence to the world's values so much more easy and seemingly effortless?

But although it seems easier, don't we often feel that adhering to the world's values is unnatural and at times even obscene? And when we finally do encounter an instance of intimacy or deep understanding with another, do we realize it as one of the most incredibly natural experiences we have ever encountered or does our continued conformity to the world's values stifle our awareness of what actually took place?

Or do we simply fear seeing our "self" in and through, another, realizing that this is the only way we can ever know our 'self'? Do we then fear finally knowing our 'self'?

Many have heard and often resist the idea that intimate relationships require work. Why is that? Why is cooperating with the world's values so much easier than cooperating with the immeasurable value of Deep Spirit intimacy? Why would you choose NOT to understand the other deeply, even though that failure to deeply understand causes you and them so much pain and suffering?

Deep Spirit (what some refer as our inner connection with Divine Mind) is NOT in the world, separate from an intimacy with that world and the only way we can encounter intimacy with the world is through a deeper understanding of one another. Find someone and go there, but don't be concerned of the form through which that relating takes place. The world demands forms, while Deep Spirit is only concerned with content.

In other words, full and joyous engagement with the world can only be experienced through intimacy with the world and that can only be had through, and with, others. The idea that God is ‘in-everything' seems logical to all spiritually inclined people. But to experience God ‘in everything' is only possible through the deep understanding of ‘everything' that only intimacy with everything can provide and this is non-dualistic rapture. More importantly, to engage intimately with the world requires intimate engagement or a deep understanding with the ‘others' that also "experience" the world, since the world is a construct of  that collective ‘experience.'

This seems to point to the 'Oneness' we so often hear talked about, but resign to the category of platitudes. Given up the idea or concept of personal enlightenment or that the "truth' will come to you if you only engage in specific esoteric and austere practices (although, I agree that this may aid in increased intimacy and may serve as 'invitation' to truth).

I suggest exploring communion through deeper understanding or intimacy with others. Of course, this starts with those closest to you, but I sense there may be a branching out from there, which would one day include the 'world.' However it manifests should not be particularly concerning to you since, as long as you can remain with the experience, it will build upon itself of its own accord.

"Seek first the kingdom of heaven within and all else will come unto you" is easy to understand when you realize the kingdom is not yours ALONE.
"You will see your value through each other's eyes and as each one is released as he beholds his savior IN PLACE of the attacker who he THOUGHT was there. Through this releasing is the world released. This is your part in bringing peace." (ACIM UrText)