Egocentric Love Requires Control (let your children go)

Egos require self-actualization to mitigate the nagging doubt that they really do exist in a world where everything but a 'self' can be empirically sensed and measured as really ‘existing.’ 

By the world’s standards, a self-actualized ego is a “person” in complete control of its existence and employing the various methods of self-actualizing that the world offers (career, marriage/family, wealth, religion, etc, etc, etc).

One significant method of egocentric self-actualizing offered IN the world is the parenting of children. Through children, the ego actualizes itself simply by reinforcing the need for egocentric actualization in undeveloped egos (children). In demanding children self-actualize; we reinforce the value of our own ego actualizing by repeating a past that taught us the need TO actualize in order to be "happy" in the future. 

Children are taught to mold and sculpt the 'self' in ways that aid them in playing, and winning, the world’s finite games and the chief goal of all egocentric actualization is CONTROL.

The ego defines actualizing IN the world as an ability to control the world, based ON the world’s standards, as exhibited through its finite games. CONTROL is a self-actualizing value that is consistently reinforced in children, above all other values.

In fact, even teaching children 'love' demands they learn control.

We teach children the need for control, simply through our need that they be controlled and this is done through “discipline” or the application of controls. Children also learn the value of control by witnessing all our attempts at controlling each other in the name of ‘love' and they learn that control is a primary component of love.

The world teaches that the highest form of love is love for our children and the primary outcome (reward) for this love is that our children succeed in playing the world’s finite games. Children are disciplined to conform to the rules of those games so that when they become full-fledged adult players they will win the rewards associated with those games. Until children become adults they are marginalized as only potential players, but not yet full participants.

When we have been conditioned to believe in the necessity of winning finite games, we may find it difficult to play infinitely and suffer from any lack of control. Essentially, in conforming to the world's standards, loss of control equals suffering.

To win in finite games, we must insure that children adequately conform to the dictates of control, since every game has rules that must be followed through serious scripted roles. Erosion of spirit is rarely considered as a product of control, because the world teaches that 'spirit' is a product of the world and that playing to win the world’s games actually enhances “spirit" (although any enhancement is brief, if at all and so we seek out other games for which to enhance spirit through winning)

To learn control demands one be controlled, and the proper control of egocentric character is considered necessary for developing egos and must continue long after the ego has “matured.” Maturity is nothing more than a controlled ego-self effectively conforming to the rules of winning the world's finite games.

Nevertheless, an ego actualizing through children (parent), does not fail to miss the contradiction inherent in imposing control, or discipline, on children. Therefore, the ego merely compromises with that contradiction by proclaiming that control is actually a form of “love” and a necessity to developing egos which are being trained to play finite games. We believe that if children successfully conform to the world’s standards and win at the games they play, they will be self-actualized and “happy" (contrary to the fact that egos are often very "unhappy" in playing finite games, but they know of no other way to actualize themselves). 

This is because, as much as we provide lip-service to “love,” the ego-self realizes that real “happiness” has more to do with control and the primary means of controlling the world is to control others in the world, so that the world’s games can be won.

However, there is one chief problem with control. It completely negates and nullifies love, because love has nothing to do with control, since the only reason for applying control is to limit. 

Yet, egos believe children must be controlled in the name of love, for how else will they succeed IN the world and reinforce the ego's reason for being IN the world (to self-actualize through the rewards of finite games).

When children do not demonstrate successful control parents impose control, demonstrating a demand that children be controlled and that this demand supersede love. This is because if they do not demonstrate control they may fail to be successful (win finite games) and this does not bode well for egos seeking to actualize through children and may signify a loss in that game (parenting).

Control imposes conditions on love, thereby, limiting what it could be if not under control (and severe application of control can cause severe hate and fear). As we all recognize, the world is full of egos desperately seeking to self-actualize (be "happy"), while entirely bereft of love (but exhibiting complete control of everything around them). Most egos have little experience with what love could be, if not limited by control. These egos engage in relationships with little experience of love, but having acquired years of meticulous training in the numerous means of control and, thus, seek to impose control in relationships as the means of discovering love. To lose control, or appear out of control, is a very frightening thing for an ego-self and is indicative of losing as opposed to winning.

The ego-self obsessed with control fails to see that controlled love... is not love at all. But, the ego-self learned that those who professed to love it, also asserted consistent control and, in fact, control was imposed because of love.

In a world of frightened self-preserving egos, control is paramount to existence and to refuse to control, and be controlled, is to deny self-actualization and, hence, surrender the ego's reason for being. So we seek to control each other and teach control to children so that control becomes normalized as the means of fully experiencing egocentric self-actualization (existence).

We must wonder what the world would be like if there were less control. But as long as control is defined as love, subsequently, love must be absent IN the world. 

Artwork by Shawn Barber - "Rattled"