Thursday, January 8, 2015

What Happens Next, Just Fooking Happens Next...

I have no idea what will happen next.

Correction. I have many ideas of what will happen next, but I lack the care and concern as to what will happen next, which removes me from demanding what happens next conform to my ideas of what happens next and, hence, what happens next, just fooking happens, exactly as it always does.
Your life has always been fooking happening, regardless of your attempts to make it conform to your ideas of what happens next, because what happens next always just fooking happens. 
In addition, I also realize that what happens next had to happen next, based on what happened before, and how my brain is hard-wired to deal with what happened before and, subsequently, with what will happen next, and that specific hard-wiring was constructed in my formative yrs, in which I was allowed no choice in what experiences impacted my brain and shaped my neuro-circuitry to respond to what happens next, but those un-chosen experiences of early childhood, without doubt, have brought me, over many years, to what happens next, because what happens next requires a response, and I will respond to what happens next as I must, based on the trillions of miles of neural-dendritic connections in my brain, formatted by what happened before and completely influencing how I will respond to what happens next.
What happens next is guaranteed by what happened before. I have no freedom from this because, in this, is my freedom. It is ultimately the refusal to surrender to the predetermined causal order that is the foundation of all suffering. But, that has to happen and has happened exactly as it must since human egocentrica mammalia happened to construct a neuro-circuit that made him ‘think’ he could actually choose what happened next, based on an autonomous WILL free from the influence of everything in the universe that happened before. 
Thinking it could be other than it obviously is, in the moment it obviously is, incarcerates me in a future based on a past wired up in my grey matter, causing me to lose the freedom of this moment as it happens next. But, even that momentary incarceration, demanding what happens NOT happen, must happen exactly as it does, else it would not happen.

Make no mistake, that moment that you demand happen other than as it is are there, in that moment, and nowhere else should you be, but in that moment of suffering.

And so I sit here, deep in the throes of a despotic depression, completely accepting that this is what is happening, without rejecting what is happening, as it is happening, or demanding something other than what is happening to happen.
Why would you want what is happening to be other than what is happening, when you realize that what is happening had to happen exactly as it now happens? However, if you believe you have a “free” choice in what happens, then you’re fooked (but not really, cause you’re supposed to be fooked, or else you wouldn’t be).
How is it that I was once neurally hard-wired to believe that something other than what is happening should be happening? I no longer think that, so when did those circuits get fried?  I have no idea when that sheit happened, but clearly, it happened, else they would not have been fried.

I have no desire to have happen other what is happening and in my allowing this to happen, as it happens, I am absolutely engulfed in complete freedom, because there is NO thought that this should NOT be as it is if, in fact, it is what it is, otherwise, it would be something different than it is (well, not exactly accurate. First I go, "damn! why is this sheit happening," and then the new circuit kicks in with, "but shiet happens" and I think, "oh right!!")
If the next thought to happen should be to blow my brains out with a gun, why would I reject that happening as something that should not happen?
Many years ago I used to have those thoughts happen (suicidal ideation), but that was before I encountered a “self” that does not seek to control what happens next (and I have no flippin' idea how that "self" happened). Nevertheless, if I should again have those thoughts happen, to the point of actually acting on those thoughts, which would have to happen or they wouldn’t, why should I reject those thoughts as happening exactly as they must happen, requiring I behaviorally conform to those thoughts and blow my flippin’ brains out?

The “idea” that what happens should NOT happen is hard-wired and requires a great deal of deconstruction, or frying of the motherboard, to neutralize. Nevertheless, even that can only happen as it happens and any attempt to make it happen before it’s supposed to happen, is destined to fail, until it’s supposed to succeed.

I must admit, there is a deep peace in letting sheit happen as it happens, because it always is what it is and it could never be other than what it is or it would be.

Artwork by LaraFairie - "Faceless Composition"


  1. Ah, Mike,
    I too have experienced what you call "frying the motherboard", a place of acceptance so radical and so deep, that my own ego life mattered little to me. And from that point on, all I could experience was a depth of peace so still and profound I called it God!!! Holy Sheit!!
    Everything is as it is, nothing more and nothing less.

    1. Glad to hear you did the burn!


  2. Mike why are you depressed(despotic depression) if you accept everything is as it is? X i thought if there is an acceptance then there would be peace not depression. Isnt depression caused from resisting what is?

  3. Depression results from neurons and neuro-chemicals and I have no control over all that.

    Hence, shitty moods happen and I accept that.

    I understand that accepting a shitty mood seems contradictory or even paradoxical, but we've all been weaned on the constant bliss theory of ancient "enlightenment" ideologies, which are essentially ancient BS.


  4. What if we just dont believe anything we think? Its only thoughts that make us suffer right? I know you dont favour byron katie but she does seem to have a point when she says we only suffer when we argue with reality, when we believe our thoughts

  5. I don't really have an issue with Katie. She's just another positive thinking guru (but she does have a unique pos think spin).

    Yet, Katie, and others like her, puts the burden of suffering on thought and, from what I can see. pays little to mood. Mood is affected by a thousand different variables, only one of which is conscious, intentional 'thought.'

    The fact is, that without two basic neuro-chemicals, serotonin and dopamine, you could NEVER be "happy" and we have a billion dollar pharmaceutical industry to prove it. Without those two, no matter what you try to think up as a means of changing your mood would be utterly futile.

    But, in her favor, I do agree arguing with reality is futile as well. But sometimes that has to happen to, and results in viscious feedback loop of arguing with reality because I'm, once again, arguing with reality over the fact that I'm arguing with reality.

    But then, my blog focuses on description and not prescription. Everybody should keep doing what there doing if that is what's happening, until it's no longer happening.


    1. You know, that's really it in a nutshell. I used to believe that thinking was the problem and that could be fixed by stopping thought yadayada. However there was always that 800 pound gorilla reminding me that thought could easily be modified via suitable chemicals, electricity, or good old fashioned blunt force trauma. Now I have to go off and think about what I will do with this information. Rinse and repeat.

      As always, thanks for the fooking,

    2. Yep. Let the moods take you where they will.

      No choice.

  6. Maybe its just we are constantly told we should be happy all the time when maybe its just not possible and just accept that in ourselves and everybody else! Thanks mike

    1. Bingo!

      Peace my friend (not "happiness")