Riding the Wave of the Nothingness

Usually it comes in waves.

Emptiness announces its presence.

I used to shake it off, think positive thoughts, look forward to another moment, another day, the weekend, vacation, be constructive, productive, be grateful, exercise, love my kids, manifest my reality, watch TV, complain, fornicate, drink, drug, eat, sleep, breathe…

Now, however, I let it take me, sink me, overcome me, extract me.

Now, I ride the wave of the nothingness.

I used to think it could destroy me. Ruin everything. I used to fear it and spent all my waking moments in avoidance, fixated on my grand plans of “happiness.” I used to fill my life with things to ‘do',’ things to keep it away. I read about the universal truths and the ancient wisdoms and studied “The word.” I prayed and meditated.  I invented ‘thoughts’ to defend “me” and protect “me.”

But always…

...it came back.

Now I ask for it. I don’t allow it to leave without me. I keep my feet firmly planted in my “story” and ride the wave of nothingness to see where it’ll dump me and leave me story-less

Because I no longer fear it.

So many teaching how to avoid it.

How to trick it. How to punish or pamper it. How to redirect or control it. How to talk it down, talk it up, make it seem okay, it’s nothing, it’s something, it’s illusionary, maya, it’s bliss, it’s heaven, it’s hell, it’s what is, it’s what isn’t, it’s arising, it’s falling, it’s beautiful, it’s ugly…

I wanna shout “no! don’t you see, that’s what it wants!”

But who’d listen…

Ah….

here it comes now….

Hang ten, baby!!!

Artwork by Pauline Jones - "Edge"