Don't Fear the "Heat"

The ego-self fears conflict, because conflict is an indication of an obstruction to an egos desire to self-actualize.

To self-actualize an ego must control external conditions and this means controlling other egos for which the ego-self has chosen as means to actualize itself (children, parents, marital partners, lovers, etc, etc, etc).

Because an ego-self is nothing more than a package of concepts used to identify an “I,” self-actualization through the world’s standards of self-actualizing is how an ego reinforces “I” against a world of other egos also actualizing as a means of experiencing existence.

Therefore, it’s easy to see how control is crucial to an ego that must control itself in relation to others, but also must seek to control others in relation to itself. Applying control results in conflict because while you attempt to control the other 'ego-object,' they in turn seek to control you.

Even relationships which claim to be “loving” have an invisible underlying control dynamic played out within the relationship. Unfortunately, when you experience a complete loss of control and thus, despair of ever having control, you will lament that your “needs” are NOT being met and seek to have your needs met elsewhere or in some other way.

In western developed nations needs are no longer comprised of survival or procreation issues, but of more abstract self-actualizing needs such as increased self-fulfillment, improved self-esteem, "love," etc, etc, etc. This is why in developed countries, divorce rates are steadily increasing as the ego seeks, and subsequently fails, to have these abstractions met. This is chiefly the result of controlling others in order to have needs met by those you have chosen as vehicles to egocentric self-actualization. When these needs are not met conflict arises as egos attempt various control measures to compel obediance. This often results in long-term 'domestic hell' as love partners become adversaries in competition for individual, egocentric self-actualizing.

Hence, excessive and chronic conflict becomes the measure of failed self-actualizing and leads to egocentric despair. Because of this feeling of despair, the ego will often choose to replace conflict with avoidance and alienation. Now you may no longer experience conflict, but instead experience nothing at all, as you both become abject strangers to one another.

There is only one way to reverse this process of alienation and that is to no longer fear conflict or use conflict as a measure of obstructed self-actualization. Actually, conflict can become the vehicle to better understanding the exact nature of your 'needs' and if they are really ‘necessary’ or should be discarded as no longer useful to self-actualizing and fulfillment. Yet, such excruciating honesty is alien to the ego-self, which seeks to keep you submissive to the delusions it has convinced you are actually of your making.

Of course, like any other life game, conflict requires rules and the first rule is to no longer consider conflict as “fighting.” Fights seek only to control, while conflict can result in deeper understanding, which dissolves conflict and reduces the potential for “fights.” People fight to win, however, they can engage in conflict in order to increase honesty and achieve a depth of understanding that is a rare commodity in today's intensely egocentric world.

Often the heat of conflict becomes the only means for honesty to magically appear, because only when the inner truth is forced to the surface will you finally understand your SELF. Such cosmically piercing honesty often miraculously changes everything. To mitigate your alienation, all you ever needed to achieve was understanding, but because the individual ego is such a secretive, self-protective concept, the truth can take a very long time to be disclosed. Conflict often shortens time by forcing honesty to the forefront.

However, there is no doubt that conflict can wound and, if not fully engaged in the process, can cause scars that fail to heal. Premature disengagement from depth of engagement causes wounds to fester because the truth was not permitted to rise to the top. This is the type of conflict that is mere “fighting” for control and seeks not understanding, but to win the battle and claim the prize (greater control through guilt). Individuals “fight” to hide the truth, but engage in conflict to bring the truth out. Conflict creates heat and heat can result in honesty.

Don’t fear the heat. If you can’t stand the heat, don’t get out of the kitchen, but seek to make use of the heat to cook up a depth of engagement that results in increased understanding and an honest expression of the truth. Your pursuit of "awakening" must inevitably fail if your path involves disengagement from your world, since disengagement from the world is disengagement from that which gave the world meaning.

YOU.


Artwork by Jeroen Van Valkenberg - "The Golden Bough"