Unfortunately, this pattern is the norm in your most significant "love" relationships and it's why they fail to sustain you and those you have chosen to “love.”
The essential function of an ego-self ("you") is self-preservation, which requires repeating the same patterns of self-preservation in all your most significant relationships. These patterns are inherited from the past.
Egocentric Self-Preservation Training (ESPT) began in early childhood, in which other dysfunctional egos (essentially all egos are dysfunctional) demanded that your ego learn self-protective strategies to effectively engage the world. Yet, what you really learned was methods to buffer their dysfunctional teaching methods, which were camouflaged as necessary through their belief that you needed certain skills and strategies to survive in the world.
However, undeveloped egos (children) employ rather sloppy methods of self-preservation to mitigate the dysfunctional teachings of developed egos (parents). In other words, while your parents were teaching you how to effectively negotiate a difficult world, you were struggling to learn how to protect your 'self' from THEM.
Therefore, not only do we learn how to protect the self from the world, but we also learn to protect the self from those who claim to "love" us by teaching us 'real-world' survival skills. This is what you take with you into adult relationships and this is why relationships often fail to sustain you.
However, undeveloped egos (children) employ rather sloppy methods of self-preservation to mitigate the dysfunctional teachings of developed egos (parents). In other words, while your parents were teaching you how to effectively negotiate a difficult world, you were struggling to learn how to protect your 'self' from THEM.
Therefore, not only do we learn how to protect the self from the world, but we also learn to protect the self from those who claim to "love" us by teaching us 'real-world' survival skills. This is what you take with you into adult relationships and this is why relationships often fail to sustain you.
You will also employ and teach dysfunctional strategies of self-preservation and will continue to employ these same strategies in every significant “love” relationship you engage with. There really is no way out of this, simply because the ego is "you" and the moment you cease to identify with an egocentric “you” is the moment you cease to exist (and who wants to do that!)
Yet, the fact that you do not cease to exist is predicated on one profoundly important egocentric function and that is your compulsive need to repeat the past. Your compulsive need to preserve the past is evident in your performing the same dysfunctional relationship behaviors you have always performed, because this is what you learned. You do what you know, until you know differently.
What makes all this insanity truly remarkable is that while your ego is compulsively repeating these same patterns, those you "love" are dutifully repeating their learned responses. Of course, all this makes for great television drama, but fails to aid you in having “needs” met in “loving” relationships.
This is because what you were taught you 'needed' is the very thing that impairs love, which is what you need more than anything taught.
But not to worry, because eventually you will simply exit this relationship and engage in another “love” relationship, always with the hope that this time your egocentric needs will be met. But... lo and behold… there you go again, compulsively repeating the same dysfunctional behaviors you repeated in the last relationship and the one before that and the one before that and.....
What makes all this insanity truly remarkable is that while your ego is compulsively repeating these same patterns, those you "love" are dutifully repeating their learned responses. Of course, all this makes for great television drama, but fails to aid you in having “needs” met in “loving” relationships.
This is because what you were taught you 'needed' is the very thing that impairs love, which is what you need more than anything taught.
But not to worry, because eventually you will simply exit this relationship and engage in another “love” relationship, always with the hope that this time your egocentric needs will be met. But... lo and behold… there you go again, compulsively repeating the same dysfunctional behaviors you repeated in the last relationship and the one before that and the one before that and.....
Yet, make no mistake there is always one thing you will proclaim each time you exit another “love” relationship or pronounce a relationship as hopeless… they are to blame. The ego must always be vigilant toward everything but itself, because to fully SEE itself might require changes be made and egos don’t like change, at least not changes to the core belief system it learned and that has served to preserve and protect it all these years.
You can try to make corrections on the surface, but this is like polishing off the rough edges of a fake diamond, but who cares if the diamond is polished when, in fact... it's fake!
The information you learned about "love" is useless, so why engage with others in ways that only serve to disengage and continues to reinforce useless information. You're going to have to surrender what you think you need and engage with the other in discovering what will sustain both of you. But this is very hard to do for an ego-self that has based its conduct in the world on what it thinks is good for it.
This is because "you" don't know what's good for you, but you can make your 'self' ready to learn.
Artwork by Heather Nevay - "Mother and Child"
True, from beginning to end. I've read that the individual's concept of God is also a product of earliest childhood interaction with one's caretakers and the dogma we learn will stick according to that concept. Authoritarian, fearful, loving, rejecting, etc. and we will subconsciously replay that God concept over and over again. I've seen people do this time and time again. I've seen myself do it and not even realize it. Automated response, as it were.
ReplyDeleteI do think one can consciously change the dynamic of generational dysfunction, whether a subtle dysfunction or overt, but one has to deeply understand how it has affected oneself and others in order to change things for one's children. Being creatures of habit, it is not always easy, but it is possible. Sometimes it IS a matter of looking through "the glass darkly and then face to face" in order to affect a significant change.
But that which is good for you or not good for you, some of this might be intuitive and you know how many will say...I knew it, but did the opposite anyway. Well, that is conditioned response to not listening to one's intuition, I suppose. Sabotage becomes problematic. We tend not to value intuition, but to bypass it for the sake of status quo. Then, misery ensues.
Good post.
Blessings~
Hey Nahnni,
ReplyDelete"I do think one can consciously change the dynamic of generational dysfunction, whether a subtle dysfunction or overt, but one has to deeply understand how it has affected oneself and others in order to change things for one's children."
Yes, otherwise the patterns are merely repeated.
"Sabotage becomes problematic. We tend not to value intuition, but to bypass it for the sake of status quo. Then, misery ensues."
Well said. Sabotage is very problematic, even when intuition is apprehended as true and valuable. The egoic need to remain as is can be very strong, resulting in much misery after.
Thanks,
mikeS
but is there a way to slice it one shot?
ReplyDelete"but is there a way to slice it one shot?"
ReplyDeleteprobably not, but let me know if you come up with something.
mikeS